Read as he fumbles through an unauthorized Press Conference
(Everyone shuffles in, scrambles to the seats closest to the podium and begins raising their arms frantically while shouting questions over each other.)
Please, please everyone take a seat. I know you have a lot of questions to ask and I’ll try to do my best to answer each of them. Ma’am, get down off the chair. Security, keep an eye on that guy holding a shoe in the back. Okay, let’s get started… First question.
Who are you?
Okay, starting with a tough one right out of the gate… my name is Peter Cartier. You may or may not be familiar with the Cartier jewelry that wants nothing to do with me and refuses to give me a discount. For the purposes of this interview, I’m the new guy at Fpweb.net. The Copywriter… The resident wordsmith.
What brought you to Fpweb.net?
To answer that, I need to take you on a strange and wonderful ride through my adult life. I’ve spent the last three years traveling the world as a Publisher on an ultra-luxury cruise line. Seeing the world and writing/editing the daily activities onboard. You know… really terrible stuff. It wasn’t long until I found a city I liked and decided to squat there for a bit. Living in London afforded me a lifestyle that was equal parts honing my writing and watching footie at the pubs.
Was that truly equal parts?
Moving on. When the US Dollar exchange finally got the best of me, I returned to my hometown of St. Louis with an ongoing blog in my back pocket. This would be the witty tool that I would later throw in the faces of the Fpweb.net Marketing Team when they mentioned they might be hiring. They would soon decide that it’s best to give me a job and keep me contained to an office rather than have me continue roaming the streets on my own.
Do you know anything about SharePoint?
I’ve always considered myself computer proficient. Then I walked into the hyper techy Fpweb.net offices and realized that I was comparing my knowledge to, for instance, my parents’ computer skills. So no. No, I don’t know anything about SharePoint – or hosting SharePoint for that matter. But I have been using this brilliant online collaboration tool to keep asking my coworkers questions about it…
How will that affect your performance?
Well, that’s highly personal… Technically speaking, I don’t need to remind you that Fpweb.net is geared towards the role of the teacher. They’ve spent ten years creating a dynasty of experts that work with you to provide any assistance that you, or their dashing new copywriter, might need.
What is WAN Optimization?
What can we expect from you?
Everything. I want you to take your expectations, hook them onto some grappling hook of sorts, and fling it onto a building top. Make sure its high. I plan on standing alongside Fpweb.net; sharing the commitment to make everything better for you. You’ve got a standard of excellence that you expect and we’re standing at the top of the building holding the rope from your grappling hook or something because we can support high expectations… We’re awesome. We’re going to take care of you and your grappling hook.
Are you lost in your own grappling hook analogy?
Here’s my point, people. Whether it’s Flexible SharePoint Hosting you’re after, support for an existing service, up-to-date expert advice with concise consulting, or just an anecdote about me playing Foosball during my interview (lost the game, won the job)… Fpweb.net and I are here for you. I may miss the point on occasion but stay tuned because I come back swinging. It’s no secret that this company is transparent. We consider ourselves lucky to remain a small business… lean ’n mean. If you call, April, Val or Mary will answer. If you’re having a tech issue, Jack or Jesse will sort it out. If you’re visiting our booth at a conference, you’re sharing a laugh and advice with Chris “Cotton” Schwab, Ellie and Vanessa… amongst others. If you’re addicted to twitter you’re following Rob, Ellie, Vanessa (or me!). And if you’re reading, I want you excited about reading my voice. It’s a growing family here. The list of names ready to help you goes on. We’re a healthy group of hand-picked individuals intent on making your user experience, whatever it is, a spectacular one.
And the allegations that you take office supplies home for personal use?
I’m not here to talk about the past. Let’s make that our stopping point. Let me know what I can do for you. Thanks for reading.
(Reporters watch in amazement as Peter throws down a smoke bomb and he and the podium disappear in a cloud of smoke. Murmured whispers fill the room followed by faint coughing as the smoke dissipates and Peter is crouched over, coughing violently into the microphones. He waves and stumbles off stage.)