I’m afraid it’s true. SPAM isn’t just a delicious maybe-meat…
Whether it’s through our emails, our phones or by commenting on our precious blog posts, SPAM has found its way into each of our lives. Somewhere out there exist terrible people who make a conscious decision to clutter up another human’s life with nonsense (and in the worst cases, trick a naive person into sending money to a Nigerian prince or handing over their bank details after receiving a fake alert about their account.) So, it’s no secret I have no love for SPAMMERS.
Spamlaws.com claims SPAM accounts for 14.5 billion messages globally per day, making it 45% of all emails. On our blog I think it’s safe to say that it accounts for at least 80% of our comments. Which is frustrating. But I decided that, because we all probably deal with this together, we might as well have a laugh over some of the more ridiculous SPAM examples I’ve encountered on our blog.
Yes, most SPAM (in small doses) is quite humorous and often share the same noteworthy qualities:
- They are not good at speaking English.
- They are, in fact, terrible at speaking English.
- Their overall message rarely makes any sense.
- They think that what they’re writing makes perfect sense.
- Their email name is a dead giveaway – usually an adult reference or money scheme
So without further ado, let’s look at some SPAM “greatest hits” – personal favorites I’ve collected along with how I’d respond: (Each of these comments were flagged as SPAM due to their egregious usernames and emails which won’t be repeated due to their NSFW nature. I have not corrected any spelling errors or broken English. Enjoy…)
SPAM on the wild frontier:
“Howdy! Someone in my Myspace group shared this website with us so I came to check it out. I’m definitely enjoying the information.”
Well, giddyup partner! But I’m afraid the only thing your Myspace group can help with is picking out your next flip phone.
This one is borderline disturbing:
“Thanks for your own hard work on this website. My daughter delights in participating in research and it’s really obvious why.”
Ummm… no it’s not! I feel like you took a hard left turn with this and now I’m not sure I can take your praise seriously!
Just ‘Yahoo’ it:
“Good day I am so excited I found your blog, I really found you by accident, while I was browsing on Yahoo for something else, Anyhow I am here now and would just like to say many thanks for a tremendous post and a all round interesting blog.”
Wait, you were using Yahoo search? They’ll be thrilled!
Thrice is company too:
“Thanks a lot for providing individuals with such a nice chance to check tips from here. It’s always very ideal and as well , jam-packed with amusement for me and my office acquaintances to visit your blog particularly thrice every week to study the latest secrets you have got.”
We’re typically happy if people visit our blog once or twice a week, but thrice is fantastic. Though seriously man, they’re secrets for a reason – don’t tell the whole world!
It’s for a great cause:
“It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d certainly donate to this superb blog!”
Thank you for the praise and, much more importantly, thank you for the great idea! Just how much would you donate, if you don’t mind me asking?
Something you rarely ask a web hosting company:
“Hey there would you mind letting me know which hosting company you’re using?”
I’ll give you one guess…
Advice for the young blogger in all of us:
“I as well am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still new to the whole thing. Do you have any recommendations for first-time blog writers? I’d certainly appreciate it.”
I guess the best advice I can give you is to never call yourself a blog blogger again.
There should be a hotline for SPAMMERS like this:
“I have to show my thanks to the writer for rescuing me from this type of matter. As a result of exploring through the world-wide-web and finding strategies that were not productive, I figured my entire life was gone. Existing devoid of the strategies to the problems you’ve solved as a result of your good short post is a crucial case, as well as the kind which might have badly affected my entire career if I had not come across your site.”
You take exploring the world-wide-web waaaaaay too seriously.
Here’s another one from out of left field:
“Today, I went to the beach with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is completely off topic but I had to tell someone!”
I like to imagine that this really happened and the father rushed inside to tell his wife but she wasn’t around, so, in desperation, and because he doesn’t use social media, he went to the first blog he could find and excitedly typed out his story in the comments. Satisfied, he stood up, went outside and finally took his daughter to the hospital.
This might have been from the same guy:
“The other day, while I was at work, my cousin stole my iphone and tested to see if it can survive a 30 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views. I know this is completely off topic but I had to share it with someone!”
How did your cousin dropping your iPhone destroy your iPad? That iCloud is powerful stuff…
Even SPAMMERS get frustrated sometimes:
“Wow that was strange. I just wrote an very long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again.”
We appreciate it.
This may have been written by Jason Bourne:
“I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was great. I do not know who you are but definitely you are going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already Cheers!”
Well, even though I think you may need to go to a hospital, I’m still putting this on my resume as a testimonial…
Belgium cannot be trusted:
“Hi there, just became aware of your blog through Google, and found that it is really informative. I am gonna watch out for brussels.”
You said it, man! Never let blog-reading distract you from the fight against the Dutch!
I acquire it, you read it:
“Excellent goods from you, man. I’ve understand your stuff previous to and you’re just extremely magnificent. I actually like what you have acquired here, certainly like what you are saying and the way in which you say it. You make it entertaining and you still take care of to keep it sensible.”
I read this a few times and it just hurts my head.
Having an old friend for dinner:
“Great web site. Lots of useful information here. I’m sending it to several friends ans also sharing in delicious.”
Guys?… Guys? GUYS! I think this dude just ate his friends!
Even wordsmiths listen to pop music:
“What i don’t understood is actually how you are not actually much more well-liked than you may be right now. You are so intelligent. You realize therefore considerably relating to this subject, made me personally consider it from a lot of varied angles. Its like men and women aren’t fascinated unless it’s one thing to accomplish with Lady gaga! Your own stuffs great. Always maintain it up!”
I like to picture a dodgy link-building business in some foreign country where a man finishes writing this comment and has to pass it by his supervisor who carefully reads it, checks to make sure it will sufficiently trick the Americans, and then says – ‘Just throw a Lady Gaga reference in there and you’re good to go.’
SPAMMERS give great reviews:
“It’s best to take part in a contest for one of the best blogs on the web. I’ll advocate this website!”
This one went straight onto the mantle next to my little league trophies.
And SPAMMERS go to bat for you:
“That is the best blog for anybody who wants to find out about this topic. You realize a lot its virtually hard to argue with you (not that I actually would want…HaHa).”
Hahahahahahahahahaha that is classic SPAM humor!
Sometimes SPAMMERS are open about their faults:
“Aw, this was a very nice post. In concept I would like to put in writing like this moreover – taking time and precise effort to make an excellent article… however what can I say… I procrastinate alot and not at all seem to get one thing done.”
What can I say, laziness is part of being a blogger.
Speaking of lazy:
“I am complaining, however slow loading cases instances will very frequently have an effect on your placement in google and can harm your quality ranking if advertising and ***********|advertising|advertising|advertising and *********** with Adwords”
This SPAMMER didn’t even have energy to fill in the best SPAM parts. tsk tsk
We’re going to need more information:
“You’ve ended my four day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye”
But what were you hunting for! Wait… what was that noise?!
You gotta get that plug in somehow:
“Thanks alot : ) for your post. I’d prefer to comment that the cost of car insurance varies widely”
The SPAMMER sits and thinks ‘This seems like a good place to casually mention the cost variance of car insurance.’ Then casually slips it in and no one is the wiser…
And because we have to stop somewhere:
“Unquestionably believe that which you said. Your favourite justification appeared to be at the web the easiest factor to consider of. I say to you, I definitely get annoyed whilst folks consider worries that they just do not understand about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top and defined out the whole thing with no need side-effects, people can take a signal. Will likely be again to get more.”
Your English skills hit the nail upon the top!
If you have any great SPAM comments that you’d like to share for our reading pleasure, please place them in the comments. I look forward to the actual SPAM this blog post will bring and the absolute irony with which it shall be brought. Thanks for reading!