Why I Turned Apple Down as Their Next CEO

Besides the fact I don’t look good in black turtlenecks…

Steve Jobs Pointing

Bring me Peter Cartier!

Steve Jobs has stepped down as the CEO of Apple.

In his letter to Apple employees, he wrote, “I have always said if there ever came a day when I could no longer meet my duties and expectations as Apple’s CEO, I would be the first to let you know. Unfortunately, that day has come.”

Then apparently he offered me up as a possible replacement…

He said he found my resume in some Monster.com or Career Builder.com archive and asked me to step in as an interim CEO for their company.

They said I had a day to think about it, but I told them I didn’t need it. The answer, I’m afraid, is no.

So, why don’t I want to be a crucial part of a company that sold 1.7 million iPhone 4s in one weekend, an iPad every 2.3 seconds and billions of apps from the iTunes App Store?

I’ve made tougher decisions on the spot. My barber (read Great Clips worker) once asked me if I wanted it “rounded in the back” or “squared up.” After twenty minutes of staring at myself in the mirror, I replied, “Just make it a rounded square, I guess.”

I’m fully aware of how powerful and innovative Apple is. I will not need emails or comments about these things. I won’t take them seriously because I know you’re brainwashed and I’m sorry.

I cannot in good faith rule over a class of people that I have come to mock over the last decade. Hey, they started it!

Every person who owns a Mac works so hard at marketing for Apple. It’s almost like Mac people sit and wait in the shadows for the first opportunity to jump out and yell, “YOU SHOULD GET A MAC!” Every time someone demands I take out a loan to get one, I tell them that I like being able to right click on things too much.

Wine Glass

Prepare synch to lips

Mac people seem to think they’re above others, possibly because you have to have a decent amount of money to get one. So it’s probably more the fact that they’re upper-middle class that separates them from others. You can also prove this by drinking wine instead of beer, and you’ll save money. Frankly, I don’t know how you’re smarter than I am when you’re waiting in line for 2 days for something that I’m just going to rob you for in the parking lot.

Side note: Wouldn’t a pear have been a more powerful fruit than an apple to represent the company? Didn’t an apple bring the downfall of man? …Foreshadowing?

Yes, Apple makes cool stuff. But let’s take a closer look at these gadgets: The iPod was cool if you could afford it and then once you could, they changed the “o” to an “a” so you couldn’t afford it anymore. And the updates. I guess I’m just not a fan of a company that holds back certain updates to force their loyal customers (read brainwashed hipsters) to buy their newest products every time they come out for the highest prices possible. iPad not having a camera when it was launched? That’s like Eminem putting out a new song and forgetting to curse profusely. You can’t be on the edge of technology and not support Flash or even have a USB port.

Back to the people. Hipsters scare me. I feel like if I was CEO of Apple, I’d have a lot of hipsters around at all times. Probably just slinking around in the background in their Pabst Blue Ribbon shirts and only liking bands I’ve never heard of. Their ability to not conform to society is alarming! They can’t be trusted.

It’s not just Apple’s company though. I fear I’ll have to turn down some lucrative offers from Google and Facebook as well. I’m just not ready to challenge God for the ability to rule over creation.

So, the short answer is that I’d disrupt the whole system. They’ll have to find someone else.

I’m afraid I’d look out for the customer too much. Zing! (…I’m losing all of my Mac Friends right now.)

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One Response to Why I Turned Apple Down as Their Next CEO

  1. Martha says:

    You’ve got to be kidding me-it’s so trnasprantely clear now!

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